New Hobby, New Fear, New Accomplishments

To reconnect with myself, I decided to pick up a new hobby. Or… More like an old hobby I’m picking back up. In high school, I played tennis, as well as cheer, dance, flag girl etc. As you probably guessed, I haven’t been in high school nor played tennis in several years. With recent changes to my body and the monotony of work, I decided I needed a new hobby to help me get active, build my confidence and get me socializing outside of work. I found a free tennis club on Facebook and I took that as a sign to get back into tennis.

I was so nervous and afraid to go to the first lesson. I even avoided it more than twice. I was in my head thinking, “what if I can’t keep up?! Can I even run?! What if my stamina isn’t there and everyone can play and I cant even run for 5 minutes?!” I was terrified of being judged, being embarrassed, and failing.

I had to really tell myself to just try. To be scared and do it anyway. I walk more to build my stamina and tried to run a little to see how much I can actually run. These steps help me prep for the tennis lessons but more importantly, it helped me gain confidence. Once I did a few walks and jogs on my own to assess my skill (without feeling like people are staring), it eased my anxiety and doubt. But I had to fight the doubt. I had to listen to my fears and concerns and see how I could negate them or prove them (the doubts) wrong. The small jogs, the walks, buying a tennis racquet and watching tennis exercises on TikTok definitely helped me get (and stay) excited and helped me realize it was totally possible for me to play tennis again.

I am proud to say that I have now been playing tennis for three months! I can play for about two hours until I’m completely winded, but when I started, I had ten minutes of play in me. I am so happy to say that every step of the way I had doubts, heard that voice saying “you can’t play, you’re too fat, you cant keep up, you look fat and sloppy in that tennis skirt” and all the other mean things she has to say. And, to silence her, I would get a tennis outfit I felt comfortable and cute wearing. I took pictures of days I felt really cute. I looked up tennis drills and did them at home when I wasn’t feeling confident enough to go to the court. I started small and fought the voice of shame and doubt. I met myself half way. I worked on the areas where that little voice had a point and I worked to fix it. And the areas where that little voice was just being negative, I tried my best to tune it out. She is the voice of my fears, others’ judgements, and just sometimes the worst parts of me. But that voice isn’t always right and that voice may have something to say but so do you. And you deserve to hear all the possibilities, the good and the bad, even if you have to tell them to yourself or prove them wrong with your own actions. I am not saying that its easy. Shit it actually kind of hard. But it is possible. And sometimes, that’s all I need.